My brain is on fire and my very core is lacerated to quiet whimpers and profuse bleeding. And here I sit. I have given a very unstable human boy admission into my home, my nexus and my sanctuary. Long ago I had been a virgin and fledgling to the world. I never grew up with a father so I had tasted a drop of what it is like to feel loneliness and a contempt for mankind. I was naive and I had gone about my thinking...so lonely...that I would find love like a fairytale. If I endured the hurt I felt in never having a father that I would be rewarded.

The world is pervaded only by evil and darkness. I have wanted to travel...see the beautiful things of the world. The oceans and a sunset in Europe. Darkness seems to poison that light. I want only to close my eyes and to wake up with no fiber of memory in Summerland. Where I can see my long dead family and never again have to feel the impurity of the world.

What do I talk about?

I let myself be used and damaged irrevocably by boy after boy. Starved for love that I reaped whatever I could from intimacy. I have never felt extreme passion of the heart nor the body. I found a human boy so mortal and bruised on the net and I thought myself inlove with him. I took him away from a terrible lifestyle of an abusive mother to the warmth of my room where I gave my body to him again and again. I had never felt something that felt...so right. I felt complete and it ate away at my life and my very education. I refused the warning signs of a very emotionally unstable human being until it had been too late. He has been staying with me for a year now. No contact from his abysmal family. His changes...his mental issues rearing their heads and wishing to take my head off has made me withdraw...Now I know it wasn't love I felt but sex, teenage angst, and stupidity. I have let myself drown. All I see now is the invasive toxin of death, finality, blade and betrayal. I have hurt never before inside like I am now.

I am harlot and just a woman. I am losing. This boy has been sexually assaulted tonight on the street by an unknown man...after a fight we had last night. He has refused to let me go...to let me breath and my constant fighting for liberty makes him insane. Today he left in the early afternoon to admit himself into the hospital only to call eight hours later with news that something sick had happened.

I have let this thing into my life...I have let the world in and there is nothing beautiful about it.
Comfort is in the blankets of my room...the darkness and smells of my home. The burning light and unpredictability of the world has ensnared me. Can I find the hope to continue now? You can trust no human face they are monsters than feign feeling and shed tears. I am so jaded inside I have no lingering idea of what to do anymore. I am ignorant...ignorant because in some place across the seas in the cold complex and starved societies across the earth is some child who can be happy...even after living through evils worse than I could ever imagine. I am spoiled and weak. The world has raped me already and whispered the terrible atrocities of truth into my spoiled ear. Mankind...should be more like...felidae.

Already, love is beginning to show in a cruel manner as an eternal agony.

One day after the experience and I have grown a deeper welt inside that time will not assuage. My fears of rejection and abandonment are forever the wolves at my doorstep. Falling for distant love is a curse only my juvenile mind can't dispel. I have fallen for a man rather than a boy. Perhaps the reasoning behind my madness is my lacking father figure that should have been present all my life. He is my puppeteer and I am his marionette. I think of him always and love him with this overbearing child-like adoration that defeats torture and emotional abuse. I pine for him in only a way a pathetic whore can. I hurt him with my personal darkness and inner demons but he still manages an 'I love you'. I worry it is but a pretty lie to bewitch me. My hurt deepens every day knowing that no matter how much I can love someone...a man can not love me as much. I will love him until it becomes sluggishly transient with time and pain. Waiting is pitiful and needless agony but I do it over and over again. Again...I laugh in the face of those who believe in pretty picture perfect...fairytale endings. With a raped boy keening and wasting away for my own love...that which I can't return anymore for his savage misguided anger and abuse. He is tortured perhaps worse than I am because he can not handle the pain. The world is a master of cruel fate, loveless cold pain and death. Survival of the fittest my friends...survival of the fittest...however will I be unfit as I am a fool for love?

My love is dying...